


Missing You

by Daisyith



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, M/M, break-up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-11
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-23 15:37:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9663854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisyith/pseuds/Daisyith





	1. Painful Memories

With a heavy sigh, Sebastian turned and pulled the duvet tightly around his body. He had been trying to fall asleep for hours now but it was useless. Even though his body ached with tiredness and his eyes felt heavy, Seb found himself unable to succumb to the much needed sleep. He had even tried counting sheep! But it was pointless. Nothing seemed to work. Seb opened his eyes and stared at the white ceiling above him. How many nights had he spent looking at the same dusty corners? The same speckled lampshade? The same four blue walls? For the last few months, this had been his routine. He hadn’t slept well for a while now, not since he’d been forced to sleep alone in his bed. Where it had once been the perfect size, it now felt empty and cold, a constant reminder of how everything had changed.

Every time Sebastian closed his eyes, desperate for the sweet release of a deep slumber, he found himself remembering the good and the bad times, the ones of happiness and upset. The memories haunted him, kept him lying there awake. Their time spent together had been the best years of his life. 

Sebastian lifted his hand, running the pad of his thumb along the cracked skin of his lips. If he closed his eyes, he could nearly pretend it was the touch of another. It had been so long since he’d had Dan’s lips on his own, his calloused fingers against his skin. But even as the months passed, the memory was ingrained in Seb’s mind. He would never forget the whispered words or the gentle caresses. There had always been a mischievous glint in Dan’s eyes, a smirk on his face as he would press kisses to the exposed skin on Seb’s neck. When he woke the next morning, Seb would secretly smile at the purplish bruises lining his skin, marks of love. How things had changed.

Sebastian had tried to mask his heartache by bringing home someone different most nights. He would force his mouth into a smile and laugh late into the night. But it was stilted, artificial. It was just a pretence to the world. He had heard from friends that Dan had moved on, found someone new to love. How had he moved on? Sebastian couldn’t be angry, it had been his fault. His own stupidity had caused his whole world to fall apart around him. He had pushed Dan away, torn the trust and broken both of their hearts. And now, he was the one paying the price.

As his fingers brushed against smooth skin, Seb could almost pretend it was Dan beneath his touch. But he knew there were no freckles or scars, no perfect imperfections. The rising scent of lemon burned at his throat, made him feel sick. It was such a contrast to the sweet vanilla of Dan. It was just yet another reminder that wasn’t him, that it never would be again.

\------  
 _Sebastian rubbed his thumb against the nape of his neck, brushing against the soft curls of his hair. He watched, standing awkwardly in the doorway, as Dan sat with his attention fixed to the television screen before him. He looked so relaxed, sprawled across the sofa, feet resting against one of the cushions and Sebastian hated that he was about to ruin everything. He took a deep breath, trying to muster the courage to alert Dan of his presence. He had tried to avoid this conversation for a while now but found the guilt starting to eat away at him._

_“Dan -” Sebastian began. All moisture in his mouth had suddenly disappeared, his tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth and his voice catching in his throat. He coughed before continuing, “Dan, we need to talk.”_

_At the unusually serious tone, Dan tore his gaze from the screen and turned to look at where Seb was standing, “Everything alright?” He asked curiously, noting the way Seb had his bottom lip between his teeth and was worrying the sensitive skin. He knew it was something bad._

_“You know that race a couple of weeks ago? The one where I crashed in the first couple of laps?”_

_Dan nodded, “The one I went on to win?”_

_“Yeah that one.” Sebastian took another deep breath before rushing through his words, “I need you to know it was all an accident, it was just a bit too much to drink. It meant nothing I promise-”_

_Dan held up his hand, silencing Sebastian, “Seb, what was an accident? What happened?” He looked thoroughly confused, one eyebrow raised._

_“I slept with someone else.” Sebastian hung his head in shame, finding a sudden interest in the blue carpet beneath his toes._

_There was a moment of stillness in the room, neither man wanting to be the first to speak or to move. But after a minute that felt more like an eternity, Dan rose from the sofa. There was no anger in his eyes, no malice in his movements as he walked into the bedroom and began to pack his possessions into one of their suitcases._

_Before he left, Dan pressed a single silver band into Sebastian’s palm, offering him a sad smile and a few words, “Sorry I wasn’t good enough.” He turned and walked out of their little apartment without looking back._

_Sebastian slid down the wall, drawing his knees to his chest. The tears fell from his eyes and ugly sobs slipped from between parted lips. He started crying and even after all these months, it felt like he hadn’t stopped…_

\------

Sebastian wrapped his fingers around the bottle, the glass cool beneath his touch. He opened the lid, discarding it carelessly to the ground as he lifted the bottle to his lips. Amber liquid poured into his mouth, coating his tongue in a sharp taste. As he swallowed, he could feel the warmth travelling down his throat and into his chest. It was just another reminder of his broken heart. 

Seb curled himself into the armchair at the side of the room, one of Dan’s choices, and gazed out as the sun began to rise. He watched mesmerized as the outside world was bathed in an orange glow.

It was only when he remembered that sunrises were Dan’s favourite thing that he felt the burning pressure build up behind his eyes. He pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes as the tears began to fall. They were bubbles of emotions spilling onto his cheeks, a mark of regret and of pain. Why had he messed everything up? He would do anything to change the past. But now, he had to live with his mistakes.

Most evenings ended like this. Or rather most mornings started this way. Sebastian wasn’t sure how long he could keep this up, how long he could go on missing Dan. With trembling fingers, he pulled his phone from his pocket and began typing.

_I miss you Dan. I’m sorry._

He knew it was a mistake, his finger hovered momentarily over send. But with another sip of liquid courage, he pressed the button...


	2. (Un)Happiness

Sebastian opened his eyes, staring into chocolate brown as he rolled his hips one final time. The wild curls and satisfied grin were so alike the ones he’d fallen in love with. But this wasn’t Dan. This person was nothing in comparison. Sebastian couldn’t even remember his name. It was just another keen person, ready to fill the empty void in his chest.

Feeling his arms begin to shake, Sebastian fell against the bed, unable to support his weight any longer. He lifted the duvet and slung it carelessly over his sweat-coated body. He covered himself, suddenly feeling ashamed. He couldn’t keep doing this. It wasn’t a solution to his heartbreak, it was just temporary relief.

It had taken all evening for Sebastian’s phone to buzz, the noise taking him by surprise. He opened the text with caution, a slight flicker of hope in his heart. Seb knew it had been stupid to send a message, that it was just alcohol induced stupidity. But he had done it anyway. He pressed open.

_19:01 Dan - Seb this needs to stop. Please. I’m trying my hardest to move on and I think you need to do the same._

With the four walls already beginning to swirl around him, becoming a mess of colour, Sebastian had stumbled to the nearest bar. It was just a coincidence that the man he approached had dark curls and brown eyes. Honestly! He had taken the man by the hand, disappointed by the smooth skin, so used to calloused fingers. They danced in time with the music, Sebastian burying his head in the stranger’s shoulder. Now, not looking at the man’s face, Seb could almost pretend he had someone else between his arms. But no matter how hard he wished, this was and never would be Dan.

Seb turned away from the other man, unable to look at his dishevelled appearance. Having him in the apartment served as a constant reminder of what he’d lost. This wasn’t Dan. He took a few deep breaths, trying to control the way his chest rose and fell erratically. He waited silently as he heard the other man quickly dress and leave the room. It was only then that the tears began to fall. How had things got so bad? Why had he let it happen? He hated himself for throwing away everything he’d had with Dan...

\-----  
 _Dan ran his fingers through Sebastian’s messy hair, trying to tame some of the wild curls. A smile lifted the corners of his mouth upwards as he watched as Seb let a contented sigh pass through his lips. They were curled together on the slightly too small sofa in the Red Bull office, a mess of limbs as they struggled to remain on the seat. Dan’s calloused fingers were splayed across the small of Seb’s back, holding him tightly. Sebastian had his head resting on Dan’s lap as he dozed peacefully, sleeping away some of the frustration and stress of the job. It had been a busy day, both men having been called in for pre-season testing. It meant long hours and hard work. But they knew it was all part of the job. But for now, they were just thankful to have a short lunch break, a chance to spend some time together rather than in their separate cars._

_“Hey Seb…” Dan murmured softly, brushing away the few strands of hair that had fallen in front of Seb’s eyes. He chuckled as Sebastian scrunched up his nose and mumbled sleepily in protest. “Seb,” Dan tried again, this time gently prodding Sebastian’s reddened cheeks, “Wake up Seb…”_

_With a half-hearted groan, Sebastian eventually opened his eyes. He stretched, relishing in the satisfying clicks that escaped his back, relief spreading through his tired muscles. He moved back a little, wobbling slightly as he ran out of room on the sofa but thankfully, Dan’s strong hand prevented him from falling. He sat upright, blinking blearily as he ran his hand through his hair, the unruly curls sticking upright._

_“Hey sleepy…” Dan chuckled, “I was thinking.”_

_“Well that’s a first! Did it hurt?” Sebastian teased, leaning forwards to kiss away the pout on Dan’s lips._

_“At least listen to me first!” Dan protested before continuing, “Do you think we should tell everyone?”_

_Sebastian’s eyes narrowed slightly in confusion, “Tell who? About what?”_

_Dan smiled softly, lifting his hand to gently rest against Seb’s cheek. He loved the German’s innocence, sometimes he really had no idea! “About us Seb. I’m fed up of hiding! I just want to tell the world how I feel…”_

_Sebastian thought for a moment before nodding slowly, “Okay.”_

_“Okay?” Dan questioned, not wanting to pressure Sebastian into something he didn’t want._

_Seb nodded again, this time more confidently, “Yeah okay.” He moved himself so that his legs were either side of Dan’s, sitting on his lap, “It wouldn’t be so bad if I could do this in public.” He said as he leant forwards, pressing his chapped lips against Dan’s, a smooth and soft contrast to his own. The kiss started slowly, lazy movements as they moulded together, becoming one. As Sebastian traced the shape of Dan’s lips beneath his tongue, tasting the slightest hint of coffee, Dan gently placed his hands against Seb’s shoulder and lightly pushed._

_“I’m not in public would be the best place for that.” Dan laughed, “I can think of a few more… private… places.” He winked cheekily._

_Sebastian felt a warm blush creep over his cheeks, colouring them a deep red. He stood from his position on Dan’s lap and offered his hand to the Australian, “Come on, Christian’ll be looking for us in a minute. And I’m sure he won’t want to find us like that.”_

\----  
Sebastian rummaged among the discarded clothes on his floor, his fingers connecting with the thick material of a hoodie. He pulled it over his head, barely registering the dark blue colours as it swamped his small frame. The sleeves were long over his hands and he rolled them upwards, letting them rest at his elbows. There was a faint scent of chocolate still clinging to the material. He lifted his hand and wiped carelessly at his eyes, brushing away the fallen tears. All he wanted was to be happy, why was that so hard?


End file.
